Monday, February 14, 2005

Now Here’s My Idea

This will make Social Security solvent until the Republicans come to their senses. Humdinger ideas like this come with Whereases and Be It Resolveds. My idea has plenty of Whereases and Be It Resolveds: Whereas, the Social Security system is broke, Whereas, the Republicans say it was a stinko system in the first place because it was a Democrat idea, Whereas, the Republicans feel anyone who needs Social Security didn’t live his life frugally and profitably, and therefore is to blame for being poor, Whereas, all Republicans have lived frugally and profitably, have a safety-net of at least one corporate pension and do not want or intend to live on Social Security in their golden years, Whereas, all Republicans have taken care to teach their children and their children’s children to be frugal and profitable, to have a safety-net of at least one corporate pension and not to want or intend to live on Social Security in their golden years, Be it Resolved, that all Republicans who have a yearly income in an amount over $800,000 a year will never ever claim their Social Security benefits, because they are ideologically opposed to it and they will sign a statement to this effect, turning the money back to the government as a charitable donation. Be it Further Resolved, that all other Republicans, regardless of their financial situation, salary, and corporate pension plan(s), in order to honor their commitment to frugal and profitable living, will stop claiming their Social Security benefits as soon as they have collected the exact dollar amount they put into the Social Security system, which will be after claiming benefits for approximately five years. Now Finally Let It Be Resolved, should any Republican living in the United States in the year 2018 (when the GOP prophesies Social Security will be kaput) be a rare example of a Republican who did not live frugally and profitably and who did not put money aside for his retirement, or who is disabled and sick or to whom shit has happened, that rare Republican may receive Social Security benefits by filling out a questionnaire each month and swearing he is one of the Deserving Poor--which, god forbid! no Republican will ever have to say. Howzat? With all this Social Security money being ceded back to the Social Security system by Republicans who have lived frugally and profitably in the manner to which they ordered their God to say He intended, the broke system can wait to be overhauled. At such time as an administration has been elected that recognizes, 1) Shit happens, 2) People cannot help being poor, 3) People may need a leg up in their elder years, and 4) God is not mean and vindictive, nor does He scorn those who have been less fortunate in their ability to be frugal and profitable, then the Social Security system can be fixed.

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