Thursday, February 11, 2010

Parsing Mary Matalin

Describing the form, part of speech and function of the word matalin. Matalin is the feminine form of the noun gasbag. However, matalin can be verbized, as in: matalined. As a verb, matalined is used in much the same way as scorned, derided, or disrespected. The function of the noun matalin is as the subject of a sentence: “A prominent Bush administration matalin was on CNN last night pooh-poohing global warming.” The function of the verbized form of matalin is to express the action in a sentence: “Mary Matilan matalined the entire idea of global warming last night on CNN, as is her wont.” However, to parse is not necessarily to understand. And I will never understand Mary Matalin. As a Republican strategist, as a colleague of Karl Rove’s and member of the ultra-conservative war-mongering WHIG (White House Iraq Group) which lied the Iraq War into being, as the editor of the Swift Boat Veterans book that maligned John Kerry, and as the far-right virulently-biased political contributor on CNN who toes the Cheney partyline, I will never understand Mary Matalin. How did she get to be the mendacious Bush administration-apologist gasbag that she is? I can only imagine she was infected with a toxic Lee Atwater virus in 1987 and never recovered.


demit said...

I don't know which is more painful, to listen to her or watch her. She always looks like her pigtails are too tight. We can only hope that the next round of plastic surgery will prevent her lips from moving so totally that she won't be able to form the stupid words that come out of her mouth now.

demit said...

This will infuriate her, of course, and she will begin to cry tears of frustration, but won't be able to blink them away because of the extreme eye tuck. That will fill her with rage, but her scowl will be undetectable, since there isn't enough skin left on her forehead to make one. As she is sitting there, immobile, looking like a washing machine draining through two hoses, she'll catch sight of herself on the studio monitor and an unholy howl will rise in her throat, but it will be quickly smothered by the bile that is ever-present so that now, with no way left to express herself, she will emit one final gurgle & then explode, leaving nothing behind but a couple of cheek implants. Now that I would watch.