Kerik Bites the Dust

When there is big stinky news coming out of the White House, it surfaces late on a Friday night. The White House reports it got a call from Bernard Kerik at 8:30 last night (which was later reaffirmed by letter) saying he was withdrawing his name from Homeland Security boss consideration. The WH didn’t get it on the wires Friday night until it was too late for banner headlines in print and on TV. As usual. At the same time the Kerik pullout news hit the USA, it showed up in China. Anything one-uping the White House gets around like fungus in a locker room. So why did Kerik chicken out? “Personal reasons,” he initially said. But seriously folks, the nasty stuff coming out about Kerik's affiliations with the stun gun company, Taser, was starting to smell to high heaven. And although I said he had recently sold Taser stock options to the tune of $5.8 mil, the figure now being reported is $6.2 mil. His other business arrangements with prescription drug labs, bulletproof materials companies, nuclear power plants, a telephone service and giving advice to Americans living abroad, apparently added up to more conflicts of interest than could be neutralized by skillful management of the truth. Of course, just before Kerik withdrew his name (read, was forced to withdraw by the WH because the stench was overpowering) the WH came out with this gem from press secretary Scott McClelland: “We have full confidence in his integrity and we are confident that he will take the appropriate steps necessary to make sure that there are no conflicts there.” The conflict that the WH says was the real deal-breaker was that Mr. and Mrs. Kerik had a nanny/housekeeper who was an illegal alien and for whom they had not bothered to pay required taxes. NYC ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani who was an ex-Kerik business partner said, "He made a mistake. I believe he would have been confirmed if it weren't for this." In your dreams, Rudy. He was bad news and his curriculum vitae was the stuff mob underbosses are made of, not WH appointees. So now we have another phrase from the WH lexicon which requires secret code definition: Full confidence. That means, you are toast, you miserable cretin, you toad, you PR horror. Previous definitions from the White House phrase book: Rumsfeld has done a superb job: You could bury us all, you foul odor, watch your step. Attorney General John Ashcroft has worked tirelessly to help make our country safer: Get out of our sight you born-again incompetent numskull, maybe you can get a job singing in a Salvation Army choir. Commerce Secretary Donald L. Evans is one of President Bush’s most trusted friends and advisers: Just go, we never could stand looking at your face.     Colin Powell is one of the great public servants of our time: What?! You want to stay on? You can’t even lie and be believed. Condi should have had your job in the first place. Tommy Thompson is one of President Bush’s friends and is a true public servant who worked every day to make Americans healthier: Go on, get out! You're always muttering under your breath about bioterrorism in the food supply. We need loyalty here, you traitor scum. Scott McClelland about John Snow: John Card told Snow not to pay any attention to the rumors: That’s right, they aren’t rumors. We’re firing your stupid ass. The problem with kicking out all the old loyalists is that the ones who want in are barely able to stay out of jail.